Dr. Damour Addresses the Emotional Well-Being of Boys
Mental health is not about “feeling good”. It’s about having emotions that fit the situation and managing these emotions effectively. This message was delivered by Dr. Lisa Damour at the sold-out parent education event held on November 29. A renowned psychologist, best-selling author and media personality, Dr. Damour was the inaugural speaker at the Men of Character Speakers Series, presented by the Crescent Centre for Boys’ Education.
“There's a great misunderstanding about what mental health is,” said Dr. Damour. “We (psychologists) expect distress, that things are going to happen that knock us off balance and cause us concern. What we are curious about is, what happens then? Is distress handled in a way that brings relief and does no harm?”
She describes distress as “growth-giving” — helping us grow and mature. “Every person in this room can point to something in their life that they wish they never had to go through; that was a really hard time,” challenged Damour. “Yet, as a function of that thing, they are more broad-minded, philosophical, empathic, and enriched in a particular way. That is true for us, and it is true for our kids.”
Managing emotions effectively involves expressing and taming these feelings. Healthy expression in boys can take different forms. Some boys will talk about their feelings; parents simply need to listen. The magic for these boys is that by putting their feelings into words, the emotions often subside as soon as they’re spoken. Unhealthy verbal expressions of distress by boys can manifest as anger or taking pleasure at someone else’s expense, which Dr. Damour characterized as “being a jerk.”
There are healthy, non-verbal ways to express feelings too, such as “blowing off steam” through physical activity or listening to sad or angry music to help them process their emotions. Dr. Damour shared a story about a client who asked his mother for something he could break to work out his anger because he didn’t want to break the wrong thing. Her take on this? “If it brings relief and does no harm, it's good by me. It's about expression, and that's what we want.”
Boys may tame their distress through comfort food or distractions such as video games. The trick here is distraction “dosing” and knowing that online algorithms are designed to keep gamers tethered to the console. Conversely, unhealthy taming can lead to illicit substance use or online environments that make boys feel good by promoting hate for others. And while she is horrified and deeply offended by some of the online hate sites, Dr. Damour acknowledges that “no boy who feels good about himself is spending time in these spaces.”
Dr. Damour offered ways for parents to help their sons effectively cope with distress. She encourages dads to model behaviour by talking about their feelings and asking about their sons’ feelings so that these types of conversations are not solely a mother’s purview.
She spoke about the “conversation hack,” asking boys about their feelings in the last three minutes of a car ride so they can engage in the conversation without feeling trapped. She also said to be ready to converse on their sons’ terms, which could be late at night or when rushing to work. “I have become increasingly of a mind,” says Damour, “that when your teen wants to talk, you want to listen.” She also doesn’t dismiss conversations by text. “Expression is expression. If it is easier for your boy to share what is close to his heart without having to look at you and without having to go with your pace of the conversation, take it.”
Just being there to listen without anger or criticism goes a long way. “Validation and support for your son provide some perspective that it’s not the end of the world and that everything is going to be okay.”
In her conclusion, Dr. Damour said that we need to accept that our kids will get upset. Instead of trying to prevent distress or chasing it away quickly, treat it as an opportunity for growth. Help him find healthy and effective ways to express and tame his emotions to get relief. It’s part of growing and maturing, and a skill he will need for the rest of his life.
